Dear Anna,
My grandfather died from the coronavirus last month. My whole family, especially my newly-widowed grandmother, is heartbroken.
I feel like being with her for Christmas would really help her cope, but I'm also well aware of the risks that could pose — I'm in good health but would need to travel across several states to see her.
I'm torn over which is more selfless: being there with her during this time, or doing everything to protect her from the virus that killed her husband?
— Jane, Baltimore
Dear Jane,
Wow, I'm so sorry for your loss. Your family and grandma must be really hurting right now, and I admire your ability to occupy even more brain and emotional space to consider making plans that may ease your grandma's pain.
Truth is, there's no right answer here (sorry) or really with any family's decision about how to handle this holiday season, which will truly be like no other.
There's no risk-free choice — staying home doesn't mean she can't catch the coronavirus some other way; going doesn't necessarily mean she'll feel more supported if, for example, you choose not to hug or stay in her home in an effort to keep her safe.
Weigh the practical risks with the mental-health benefits
While there's no perfect answer, there are some helpful ways to think about it, epidemiologist Dr. Tista Ghosh, medical director at Grand Rounds, a digital healthcare company, told me.
First, think about it practically. Ask yourself what sorts of coronavirus risks could your visit pose, considering things like transmission levels in both your areas, how you would travel and where you would stay, whether other family members would join and what their health status is, and how you would get together once you're there.
Remember, while we're still learning a lot about this virus, a few truths have held: Outside is better than inside, fewer people is better than more, and older people and those with underlying conditions are most vulnerable.
So, if your grandma is somewhere warm where all of your gatherings could be outside, and only you and a young, healthy sibling would be traveling, your risks are lower than if you're talking about a dozen people crowding into a Midwestern condo.
Then, take your practical cap off and step back into your emotions. Are the risks you've assessed outweighed by your family's, and especially your grandmother's, mental and emotional health?
Maybe you worry you may not see her again, or perhaps the death of her husband has left her even more isolated and lonely — a state that alone is linked to serious health consequences, including a higher risk of early death. "You can't underestimate mental health," Ghosh said.
There are ways to pursue both safety and connection whether you stay or go
If you decide to go, for example, Ghosh recommends driving rather than flying, and staying in an AirBnB that you've reserved for 24 hours before you arrive to ensure no one has just been in the house. If you do stay with your grandmother, make sure you have your own bathroom, find ways to gather outside or with lots of ventilation, maintain a 6-foot distance, and wear masks.
Getting a test before you go or when you arrive can't hurt, but don't let a positive give you a false sense of security, Ghosh said. The rapid tests can deliver false negatives up to 40% of the time, and while the PCR tests are more, but not perfectly accurate, they can take up to seven days to process, giving you time to come into contact with the virus in between.
In other words, unless you're able to quarantine for 14 days at your destination, act like you're contagious the whole time.
If you decide to stay home, seek ways to virtually connect with your grandmother and make the day special, like by asking her to teach all the grandchildren a family recipe over Zoom, and then all cooking and eating it "together."
Are there other holiday traditions, like playing certain games, you can also recreate virtually? Is there somewhere your family would like to "visit" virtually? My family and I have enjoyed AirBnB's virtual experiences, which include everything from cooking classes with Michelin-starred chef to historic lessons about the French revolution.
And don't forget the mail: flowers and a heartfelt letter are age-old feel-good tactics, pandemic or not.
Senior health reporter Anna Medaris Miller is here to help you make decisions about living life in the current "normal," which is anything but. Drawing on her in-depth reporting on the pandemic; connections with medical, mental health, and public health experts; and common sense, she'll help you get through coronavirus quandaries big and small. Submit your questions for Anna anonymously here.
- Read more:
- Stop the vacation guilt. If you're not being reckless, you shouldn't feel bad about getting away.
- 12 ways to cope with coronavirus anxiety, according to psychologists
- How to make good enough choices during the coronavirus pandemic, since making risk-free decisions is impossible
- 7 physical symptoms that can be caused by loneliness
